When they say no: Supporting loved ones through change

It’s never easy watching someone you love go through a difficult time, especially if they are struggling with addiction. If they don’t recognise they have a problem, or are resisting help, it can be even more challenging. 

Understanding why people are opposed to change, and learning how to support them through this journey, can have a big impact on your relationship and help them feel seen, heard, and more open to accepting support when they’re ready.

At The Bardo, we often meet family and friends who are desperate to see their loved ones recover, but they don’t know how to start the conversation. The key? It’s understanding the Stages of Change Model and how to use compassionate, evidence-based strategies to support them every step of the way. 

Understanding the stages of change

The Stages of Change Model (or Transtheoretical Model) is often used by therapists, counsellors and support networks for guidance and to help design responses that meet individuals where they are instead of pushing them too fast. 

It describes how people navigate behavioural change. The journey isn’t linear, many move back and forth between stages, but the model provides a roadmap to understand where someone is and how best to support them.

The five main stages are: 

1. Pre-contemplation: Not believing there is a problem or any reason to change. 
2. Contemplation: Beginning to see the pros and cons of behaviour and start considering change. 
3. Preparation: Making small steps and plans toward change. 
4. Action: Actively working on changing behaviour.
5. Maintenance: Sustaining new habits and lifestyle over time. 

How to support someone in ‘pre-contemplation’

Confronting someone who is in denial, or doesn’t want sometimes doesn’t work in your favour. At this stage, it’s more about planting seeds of awareness, not trying to force change. Some helpful strategies include: 

• Leading with empathy and not being judgmental. Instead of statements like “you need help” or “you’re ruining your life,” use gentle language like “I’m worried about you,” or “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed unhappy lately.”

• Asking open-ended questions can help people think about their behaviour without feeling attacked. Instead, ask them how they feel about how things are going lately. 
• Share what you see, not accusations. For example, you can say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more than usual. Have you felt stressed out?”

• Isolation can cause individuals to go further into their addiction, but staying connected and showing support can increase the chances that they’ll open up in time. 

Encouraging the transition into the contemplation stage

Once someone starts to question things, even just slightly, you can start to help them explore their ambivalence. This can be helpful as many individuals feel torn between truly wanting change and being fearful. 

Some useful strategies include: 

• Practice reflective listening. Always repeat back what they say, it shows you understand them and can help them hear their own thoughts more clearly.
• Highlight discrepancies. It’s good to point out the conflicts between their values and actions, e.g., “You say your health is important, however, you’re feeling so unwell after using.”
• Share other stories of recovery. Letting individuals know that change is possible and sharing stories of how others have succeeded can help to change their mindset. 
• Avoid pressure. Always keep the door open, but there’s no need to push them through it. 

Providing support for the preparation and action stages

Your support is even more critical if an individual is beginning to plan and take action towards change. Some helpful strategies include: 

• Offer practical help to assist with researching treatment options or attending appointments. 
• Break their recovery down into steps and focus on small, manageable goals.
• Celebrate all their effort and recognise progress, even if they slip. Relapse is a common part of recovery. 
• Connect them with professionals. At The Bardo, we help individuals access one-to-one, holistic support that respects each person’s pace. 

Look after yourself

If your cup isn’t full, it can be difficult to support anyone else. Being there for someone with an addiction can take a heavy emotional toll. Remember, you can’t force someone to take your help or do the work for them. To ensure you’re looking after yourself, you can: 

• Set healthy boundaries: You can say no or step back if their behaviour becomes harmful to you. 
• Look for your own support: Psychology, counselling, groups or people you can turn to to manage your stress and emotions. 
• Stay hopeful: Remember, change is possible, but it may take time. For some, it can take longer than others. 

How The Bardo can help

It’s not easy to help someone who doesn’t want your help. You’ll need patience, compassion and understanding. In many cases, change begins with connection, not force. By learning to meet your loved one where they are and guiding them gently toward awareness, you can play a powerful role in their eventual recovery.

At The Bardo, we’re there for families who are navigating challenging dynamics, and we offer holistic programs that support not just the individual but their entire support network. If you’d like guidance on how to approach a loved one about getting help, we’re here to listen and help you plan the next steps.